I hate my mouth.
It says the stupidest things, and runs away with my voice before I have time to think things over. And now he's mad at me.

I should have just picked up the videos to return and left, but when I got there he saw how upset I was, and he wouldn't let me go. And then I was so upset I said stupid things, and rather than just hold me, he tried to be helpful, and pro-active, and productive. He tried to help me find a way out of my misery, from his slightly more years of experience. And that got me even more upset, because I'm not stupid. I already know what I need to do, and I'm working on it, but it doesn't happen all at once. What is required takes time. So I need a hug, a kiss, I need to be told I'm beautiful, and I'm loved.

His housemates get home. I try to leave again - I need to be alone. Their turn, and the same information is repeated, from a slightly different perspective of a few more years. Once we're through, I still need a hug, I still need a kiss, I still need to be told that I'm loved and that I'm beautiful, but now he and I are fighting, and I'm making the mistake of letting my misery disguise itself as honesty. I hate my mouth - it ran away from me.

So after going home, calming down, crying a lot, not getting my hug, not getting my kiss, not being told that I'm beautiful or loved - I called. I apologized from myself, still hating my mouth. He didn't say he forgave me. But he accepted my apology. He told me that he loves me. He told me that I'm beautiful, and that I should already know that, I shouldn't need to be told, as an independent woman or whatever.

I went to pick him up for work today - it's cold, and I like to see him in the morning. He was still mad - I could tell. He wouldn't look me in the eye, he kept slamming doors. In this rough storm, I had hoped he would be my anchor, but he doesn't seem to want that. He won't let me tie myself to him.

So whether I want to or not, I guess I have to be the independent woman, and do it on my own. Again.
- posted by Misquote @ 9:42 AM

 
Report from the Cold Front
My ex-boyfriend informed me on friday that he is engaged to be married. I'm happy for him, but I can't help reeling at the information. It makes me wonder if anyone will ever be so sure of themselves, and so sure in me, that they stop updating their profile on salon.com and say "I'm done looking. You're it." And I know that I should enjoy being independent, and that I shouldn't need that, and if I feel that I need to hear that I am not a totally independent woman, and I'm not self actualized, and I'm co-dependent and blah blah blah.

You know what? I'm sick of being a totally self-sufficient, independent, responsible woman! I am sick of being so strong everyone seems to think they can emotionally vomit all over me, and I'll stand up for them and for myself because I'm that fucking strong. You know what - if you keep emotionally vomiting on me, world, one of these days I'm going to get tired and not have enough energy to lift my head out of the crap. And the funny thing is, I just can't wait for that day to happen - to slip into a peaceful oblivion for six or seven hours, and wake up and have the stregnth to continue. But right now the emotional vomit continues, and my knees haven't buckled yet. And I'm still taking it.

I know - my bad. I should stand up for myself. But on the other hand, these people need, too, right? They wouldn't be coming to me if they didn't need me to listen. And none of them seem to have anyone else they want to talk to.

So here I am, wallowing in everyone else's emotional vomit, when all I really want to do is meditate myself into a warm place with lots of chocolate and no calories.
- posted by Misquote @ 4:00 PM