I hate my mouth.
It says the stupidest things, and runs away with my voice before I have time to think things over. And now he's mad at me.

I should have just picked up the videos to return and left, but when I got there he saw how upset I was, and he wouldn't let me go. And then I was so upset I said stupid things, and rather than just hold me, he tried to be helpful, and pro-active, and productive. He tried to help me find a way out of my misery, from his slightly more years of experience. And that got me even more upset, because I'm not stupid. I already know what I need to do, and I'm working on it, but it doesn't happen all at once. What is required takes time. So I need a hug, a kiss, I need to be told I'm beautiful, and I'm loved.

His housemates get home. I try to leave again - I need to be alone. Their turn, and the same information is repeated, from a slightly different perspective of a few more years. Once we're through, I still need a hug, I still need a kiss, I still need to be told that I'm loved and that I'm beautiful, but now he and I are fighting, and I'm making the mistake of letting my misery disguise itself as honesty. I hate my mouth - it ran away from me.

So after going home, calming down, crying a lot, not getting my hug, not getting my kiss, not being told that I'm beautiful or loved - I called. I apologized from myself, still hating my mouth. He didn't say he forgave me. But he accepted my apology. He told me that he loves me. He told me that I'm beautiful, and that I should already know that, I shouldn't need to be told, as an independent woman or whatever.

I went to pick him up for work today - it's cold, and I like to see him in the morning. He was still mad - I could tell. He wouldn't look me in the eye, he kept slamming doors. In this rough storm, I had hoped he would be my anchor, but he doesn't seem to want that. He won't let me tie myself to him.

So whether I want to or not, I guess I have to be the independent woman, and do it on my own. Again.
- posted by Misquote @ 9:42 AM

 
Report from the Cold Front
My ex-boyfriend informed me on friday that he is engaged to be married. I'm happy for him, but I can't help reeling at the information. It makes me wonder if anyone will ever be so sure of themselves, and so sure in me, that they stop updating their profile on salon.com and say "I'm done looking. You're it." And I know that I should enjoy being independent, and that I shouldn't need that, and if I feel that I need to hear that I am not a totally independent woman, and I'm not self actualized, and I'm co-dependent and blah blah blah.

You know what? I'm sick of being a totally self-sufficient, independent, responsible woman! I am sick of being so strong everyone seems to think they can emotionally vomit all over me, and I'll stand up for them and for myself because I'm that fucking strong. You know what - if you keep emotionally vomiting on me, world, one of these days I'm going to get tired and not have enough energy to lift my head out of the crap. And the funny thing is, I just can't wait for that day to happen - to slip into a peaceful oblivion for six or seven hours, and wake up and have the stregnth to continue. But right now the emotional vomit continues, and my knees haven't buckled yet. And I'm still taking it.

I know - my bad. I should stand up for myself. But on the other hand, these people need, too, right? They wouldn't be coming to me if they didn't need me to listen. And none of them seem to have anyone else they want to talk to.

So here I am, wallowing in everyone else's emotional vomit, when all I really want to do is meditate myself into a warm place with lots of chocolate and no calories.
- posted by Misquote @ 4:00 PM

 
Oh the weather outside is frightful...
Having grown up Jewish in a very multi-cultural community, I know more songs about Dwali than I do about Christmas. However, that doesn't keep the "all Christmas Carols, all the time" radio stations (yes, plural) in the DC metro area from making me crazy. Somewhere, I had heard that a Senator had called the constant Christmas music in shopping malls and stores "psychological terrorism." I can't agree more. And it isn't better when the music is by a cool band, like the Ramones. When that happens, it is the definition of "selling out."

I cannot wait until the holiday season is over. Long live secularism.
- posted by Misquote @ 4:05 PM

 
Mawwige is what bwings us towether toway
It's happened. They're dropping like flies. And now I'm finally terrified. I do understand. I have become a woman.

The clue wasn't when I started officiating weddings - it was when I received two save the date cards, and they were for within a day of each other - half a year at least in advance!

What am I talking about?

Marriage.

I am terrified.

My friends are all getting married. And I had that first pang of "HOLY SHIT! Am I fucking next? Please god, I'm not ready! Spare me!"

On the one hand, I'm dating a great guy. And I'm 24. I have plenty of time. There's no pressure.

And on the other hand, they're *getting married.* And great guy's family is bothering great guy's sister to find out from me, or from him, when we're going doing the deed. I practically feel like I'm in high school again.

My family is being much better, I think it's only because none of the grandchildren in my generation have broken that barrier yet, and I'm not oldest, so it's not "my job."

The fear is not getting married to him - that's not it at all. Being married to great guy would be, well, great. It's the state of marriage, the acting of weddings, the family politics, the inevitability of all of it. Isn't this something I always thought I wanted?

Basically, my best friend when I was in 8th grade is engaged. While in college, she re-met the guy she had been dating when we were in 8th grade, and then she called me out of the blue last summer since she had a job interview in DC, and she asked to stay with me. So she came down, we caught up, then she got engaged. So she send me a save the date e-mail for July 18th, 04 for either New Jersey or Philadelphia (where they live or where they're from) sometime earlier this month. And then I just got an e-mail for a save the date for July 17th, 04 for a wedding of another not nearly as long term, nor close friend, with a wedding in Williamsburg, VA. Now, there's no question as to which one I'm going to. But the fact that they're letting me know *now*?! Will I be like this when I get married? If I get married?

That's it. I am now officially a woman in my mid twenties.

Rant over.
- posted by Misquote @ 1:08 PM

 
Are they kidding? Is this for real? A sick joke? A nightmare?
My boyfriend didn't tell me about the synagogue bombing in Istanbul on Saturday, because he didn't want to upset me. I had told him before that I can't get upset about things like that anymore - they happen so often, how could I let myself? Simply, I can't.

That was a blatant lie.

I am Jewish. I am proud to be Jewish. I am an American. I am proud to be an American (which is separate than being proud of President Monkey-Face).

And I admit it, to you, my anonymous readers - I am terrified.

I am terrified of the hate in the world that would allow people to do this. I am terrified that we can all stand together in solidarity and be strong for our country, and that overwhelming love for what we all have in common does not save us from hate. And as other countries try to stand with us, they suffer and suffer again. Will they still be able to stand with us before the hate consumes them, too?
- posted by Misquote @ 10:34 AM

 
And so it begins...
Deep down, I know what I want. And deep down, I want to say "Stop being such a fucking coward idiot!" But the smart part of me is keeping her mouth shut.

Cryptic? Of course. Anyone can read what's on the web.
- posted by Misquote @ 10:33 AM